Homestead Memoirs

This is the first blog in quite a while, as I have been blessed with a grandchild and helping with my Mother after she endured several little mini strokes (most likely a result of the Pfizer vaccine and boosters – another story for another day). This will be a work in progress, as I have not even come up with a title yet.

Most of you, by now, know that I have worked at one of Southern Living’s top ten Southern resorts for 33 years, have two young adult children (now a grandson), a sinking ark of animals and an owner of a small herd of horses that I care for and ride between other life responsibilities. I have put a different twist on this blog, using vineyard terminology, since it will come as no surprise that I can often be heard referring to adult leisure beverages.

The vineyard (barn) where I currently board my small herd is nice (comparable to other facilities I have boarded at thru the years) and I am lucky to have a chardon-neigh barn family. I try to stay under the radar, provide the best care for my horses that I can, maintain commaradity with my barn family, all while leading a busy lifestyle. Obviously, there will be times when your voice needs to be heard but otherwise, a seemingly pleasant environment.

The purpose in this blog is for those who have fermented (become agitated or excited within a large group of people regarding change) at various urban vineyards thru their riding career. Regardless of where you board or have boarded, we all know and recognize the following boarder categories:

1. Since this was the inspiration for this blog, we will start with the CI (confidential informant), who resides amongst barn family peers…the loose tannin (cannon) and raisin of the family. This person(s) is/are usually attention seeking and strive to be Management’s pet…for privileges, breaks, recognition, favoritism or returned favors…in other words, those that stir the vineyard dirt through the grapevine. This person will appear to be socially involved with everyone, while attempting to break through vulnerable barriers for their sake or to provide Management with intel, unsolicited or otherwise. Even if you are not intuitive or a keen judge of character, the signs are easy to read: (1) they seek attention and admiration from everyone they encounter (2) they live on stage, always needing to be the center of attention, jokes, pranks or conversation. They are not beyond flirting with the opposite gender, even when their spouse is present. (3) Most importantly, they are guilty by association. By now, most people know you cannot speak from both sides of your mouth very long before your cover is blown. (4) Their jealousies or insecurities will become evident when they start probing and dwelling on the same questions day in and day out until they feel satisfied that they have reached the same perceived plateau. (5) They are only interested in themselves and what will benefit their best interests. If they are on a crusade, rest assured, they are not representing a unified cause…they are simply striving for what is in their best interest. (6) This person is always quick to ask for help but will rarely offer to help others (7) Most annoyingly, they will seek advice, suggestions or recommendations, only to follow through with their original plan (8) This person resents being alone and will entice anyone to remain with them – or join them – until they are ready to leave…but never the reverse (9) Know that if this person gossips about other people, knows everything about everyone’s social media posts or reveals confidential texts, that person will not hesitate to make you their headline subject the next day.

When the CI is finally confronted for their unfounded self righteousness, they will become Sangria (angrier) than a toddler. After brewing (dwelling on the matter) when their cover is blown and keeping a mer-lot (low) profile for a few days, one may suddenly receive a narcissistic text. This is not only a cowardly way to try and elevate the ego again but it eliminates the more mature two-way conversation. After all, they are not interested in what another has to say…only what they have to say. The best thing to do in a case like this is blush (brush) it off and DO NOT RESPOND. This achieves two purposes: (a) this personality – most of all – hates to be ignored. (b) do not ever put writing on the wall for these personalities to share with others. Instead, offer them a non-alcoholic drink with no proof (of writing)…there is no Riesling (reasoning) with them and they are apt to flute (shoot) the messenger. They will likely endure stress and anxiety trying to avoid the messenger, while the messenger continues to live by their mantra, “que Syrah, Syrah. If you should encounter this raisin, tell them only what you want them to know…nothing more, nothing less. Remember, cheap wine will get you screwed.

2. The well off can be a sour grape…BUT…not always. Those who do not work and do not recognize the struggles of those that work full time to support their livelihood, tiny human dependents and their lifetime companions, equine and otherwise. Remain cautious – at least one of these family members will oftentimes work alongside the CI to maintain their position beyond a chateau (shadow) of doubt.

3. The working class family members – pro-“secco-nd to none” boarder of the vineyard. Those that work full time to support themselves and dependents (human and animal prisoners). This class will usually be intercepted by the CI and the wealthy in support of any rate increases …because affordability is not an issue for them and it gains the support of management for their suggestion and/or encouragement…while the rest of the vineyard contemplates their future at this vineyard.

4. Our favorite category…the young, unexploited boarder who wears rose’ colored glasses and is eager and ready to learn and has barrels of fun growing with sport… totally oblivious to the mind games of the CI and well endowed. This younger boarder typically has not been in the vineyard long enough to have acquired a label just yet. The sweetest grape on the vine.

5. The retired Group – typically the aged wine – a very pleasant group who are wiser and more mature than the 20-40 year old counterparts. You may not see this group during the work week, as they typically come around earlier in the day before work and school are over. Typically the di-vine glassact.

6. The absentee boarder – part of the vineyard but the ones you don’t recognize when they arrive once a season. The champagne of the vineyard, since they spare a set of cross ties.

7. The weekend warrior – the expensive wine locked in the cellar cabernet (cellar cabinet) – the en-chianti-ing (enchanting) full time working boarder who lives too far away to come to the barn during the work week. This boarder is a breath of fresh air and you always look forward to seeing them on the weekends. They have not been around all week to try and ward off the vineyard politics… so they offer a positive, bubbly element to the environment… similar to the rich smooth aroma of Beaujolais.

8. Negative Nelly – The Grape Depression is the one who has a chip on their shoulder when they come to the barn. Your sensitive aura picks up on this negative energy before they even round the corner. You desperately try to keep your distance before the wining (whining) begins and you have to tell them to “put a cork in it”, allowing the dreaded tourist feel welcome at this point. If you cannot escape the winecerous, suggest they replace the port whine with Rioja.

The seasonal Boarder – the Mos-cat-o (cat) of the vineyard – the sly one that slips in and out before you even know what season it is.

The non-primitivo (primitive) Boarder – the trendy “fashionista” of the group. If you are not up to date on the latest trends in the equestrian industry, simply take a minute to observe this boarder. They will be sporting all of the latest haute couture fashions before they are even due to premier at the Met Gala. They tend to purchase duplicates of each outfit so that their horse can be made to feel embarrassed wearing matching attire to the school yard. They are not likely to sherr-y (share) common ground with the CI since their nice-nasty nature would never allow them to stir in the vineyard dirt. Additionally, they tend to repel dirt, not collect dirt.

The endless chatter boarder – try to Savign-yawn-blanc (save yawn) and excuse your Bordeux (bored) ass until you can Pinot-noir (pee no more) and yell as you retreat from the restroom to your imaginary friend, “Ale beer (I’ll be) there in a second”…works every time! Once you are safely around the corner, retreat to your Zen-fidel (zen or sanctum) or to the local brewery for a change of scenery.

Until next time, my friends…may the force be with us !

Recently, I have seen several different memes and quotes related to average vs good vs great people in their chosen field of work, career or hobbies. Then just a few days ago, I had the most pleasant conversation with a beautiful, young lady, friend and cohort in a shared passion. This young lady – I will call Ashley – is an extremely talented artist. In a short time and with a lot of work and dedication, Ashley excelled to the top junior ranks of our shared passion. She was very fortunate to have everything working in her favor with family support, encouragement, assistance, optimal competitions…until one day, out of the blue…came the announcement that she would be stepping back from the lifestyle she had lived so feverishly.

Most would wonder what prompted this decision when she was on the express train to such great success. I, on the other hand, did not have to ask. I know what it takes to remain on that express train. I missed being home when I was away at competitions, I missed my family and friends at home when traveling, I basically lived out of a suitcase, I would be worn out returning home only to be greeted with catching up on chores, schoolwork…in later years, this would transcend into my job/career, which supports the passion that eventually left me feeling like I was isolated from everything that felt so normal up to that point.

I knew when I got to the final stage of “burn-out”. I had everything packed and ready to hit the road but I found myself sitting in the driveway for a few minutes, contemplating whether to precede or unload and remain home for a long overdue rest. Deciding I had put in too much work getting to this point to back out, I pulled out of the driveway, vowing this would be my last competition. Despite another awarding accolade that weekend, there was already a sense of renewal with my prior decision, as we made our way home from Tampa that weekend. That was 30 years ago and I have not looked back since.

Ashley said, “wow, you really get it and understand my decision”! “I never knew…but what a relief to find someone who truly understands…thank you for sharing…it means more to me than you will ever know”!

I concluded by telling her, “relish the experience, the discipline, the gained knowledge, the opportunity, the support, the friends you made along the way, the successes, the losses, the tears, the accomplishments…no one can take any of that away from you. Keep them in your memory bank but you must remain true to yourself and do what makes you happy”.

Moving forward to my purpose in writing this blog. Ashley and I have remained with our passion but behind the scenes and center stage. We continue with our passion not only because of our sheer joy for the sport but we are not constantly having to prove ourselves or bear the responsibility of a winning representation for anyone… other than ourselves.

Therefore, when I see quotes and memes about average people not seeking out instruction…I get it… for the uprising potential who has established advancement goals. For those that do opt for this traveled road, I will be your biggest fan and cheerleader during your journey…from the sidelines as I nurse “water on the knee”…lol…but encouraging you every step of the way! Furthermore, I am an advocate for continuing education when the opportunity arises. However, one needs to consider the financial / job priorities and dependents before one can sign up for that elusive lesson or clinic. Since the day I chose to officially retire from the center stage of my passion, I have successfully managed to rely on my instincts, experience, knowledge, dedication and hands-on listening skills to maintain happy, healthy candidates to enjoy, while always keeping my sights on a future lesson when my budget is not “in the red”. The health and care for all my dependents – tiny humans and animals alike- come first. Additionally, I have earned my senior right to set my own pace, select a lesson schedule that is within optimal temperature range or simply watch the sunset, counting my past and present blessings.

Take my riding passion for an example…aside from knowing my horses, their limitations and most importantly, truly listening to them and adapting to riding changes that benefit each horse, you learn to have patience and reward the baby steps. Remember, you are no longer on a time clock. You can celebrate the baby steps as they arise…and your horse will respect you for the time to adjust to an advancement. I consider every horse in my care a success story in their own right…some more irreputable than others…but happy solid citizens, nonetheless. The first thing I will be sure to tell a trainer or clinician is that I am not a prospect for returning to the competition world. I am there to make certain I am doing right by my horse(s) so that I can help them maintain a long, happy, supple, and sound life. I make certain to get all pretenses that I am there to achieve fame or fortune out of the way as quickly as possible…lol!

As I have always told my girls, I will not hold any unrealistic expectations of you. If you recognize your gifts, your talents, your individual uniqueness, know your value and worth…you are already on your road to success. Whether you decide to pull weeds for a living or a become a company CEO, do it with desire, devotion and dedication and you will be successful. The most important thing is that you are HAPPY, HEALTHY AND SAFE!

I do not profess to be great, good or even average with my passions. But with continued devotion and dedication, the most important thing is that I have been able to continue with and enjoy my passions with no regrets for choosing a life outside of returning home long enough to do laundry, repack, restock and hit the road again.

The one thing that is constant in life is CHANGE. It is about how we adapt to change, the choices we make, learning from mistakes (and yes, it is ok to make mistakes), living life and experiences to the fullest, looking for the silver lining, sharing your blessings…but above all, being true to yourself (and others) will unequivocally align you with your purpose and consequently, reveal the recipe for happiness. In other words, it can be REMARKABLE TO BE UNREMARKABLE 🙂 Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise!

The week between Christmas and the New Year has always been a state of limbo for me. The dissipation of pre-Christmas cheer is not only anti-climatic but anxiety sets in when you realize how much money you spent in the days leading up to Christmas. This culmination did not result from the well thought out gifts and budget but instead from the “buy or regret” items you came across for yourself while shopping for others. Then you have the humans that strived to remain on Santa’s “nice” list just to resume their “naughty” position when all of the gifts have been unwrapped.

Your diet consists of leftovers for a week, while dirty dishes and laundry continue to pile up. You suddenly learn that one of your canine companions has learned to pull his bed over to cover up his food bowl that remains full. You previously thought he would enjoy a different flavor of dog food for some variety…but, instead you get a confused WTF (where’s the food) look. You toss the dog bed in the pile of laundry that is now taller than the Christmas tree. By now , you are getting the “how dare you” stare-down. You not only took away his bed but did you really think the expensive Merrick turdunken food would appeal more than the cheaper Pedigree beef flavor? Just when you contemplate laying under the Christmas tree to remind the other residents that you are the hand that feeds them and a gift in itself, you long for October again so that you can go back to being your dark self without drawing attention to Wednesday’s child.

You decide to start chipping away at your TA-DA list that you did not get to on your Holiday vacation. You decide to start by unloading the artifacts that have been accumulating in the vehicle during this period. This may be a good time to mention that your eldest arrived home from Islamorada on three tires. Therefore, until repair shops re-open after the Holidays, you are left retrieving the one elusive food item that will satisfy her “over the top” but extremely selective cravings in her first trimester of pregnancy. Since you are not one to carry out mundane tasks and sit idly in standstill Holiday traffic on multiple daily outings with each new craving, you decide to order a “to go” for yourself each time. As a result, the empty food containers in your vehicle have permeated the interior with the likes of garlic, pesto, cajun spices, etc. As you step outside, you hear an all too familiar sound…the mobile Mexican Food truck across the way. YES…the last of the 5-day leftovers from Christmas just won a one-night stand! You decide to move the old food cartons out of the way and eat your delicacy in the confines of your vehicle so that the starving canine inside does not catch a whiff of the essential oils dripping from your tacos and decide to go for the gold in the stare-down competition. Besides, what is one more food container to clean-up when you decide you are too full and procrastinate that TA-DA of cleaning out your vehicle endeavor until the next day.

When you are convinced you have eliminated any evidence of food aroma, you re-enter the house, avoiding the curious glare across the threshold. You take a seat on the sofa while your hasty inhalation of grease settles to your toes while surfing tv channels. By now, you have come to realize that the Hallmark channel portrays unions, while Lifetime portrays death of a union (literally and/or figuratively). You opt to catch up on the news and ultimately decide that an episode of Twilight Zone will be easier on your digestion. This will also aide with the reality that you have to return to work tomorrow.

The next day, you feel like someone exhumed your body from a tomb in Egypt, gave you a cup of coffee and sent you off to an insane asylum. You have come to grips with the fact that group conferences are simply the confusion of one person multiplied by the number of attendees. You have only been gone for a week and last minute changes are thrown at you like darts in the nearby Tavern.

On your way home, you check to see if there is still adult leisure beverage in the cooler from prior Holiday engagements still accompanying you in your vehicle (since you decided to forego cleaning out your vehicle the evening before). You turn on some music to hear the title of the song you have been singing in your head for several days but could not remember the artist or title. You take the back roads home, ever so cautiously, since you decided to take the law into your own hands by consuming ALB while driving. As you take the leisure route home, you contemplate a few resolutions for the New Year:

1. Do not be afraid to release the naughty humans back into the wild.
2. Fix the loose toilet seat in the master cell bathroom so you do not test the fate of your next life.
3. Keep gum in a zip lock bag in your purse so it does not taste like purse dirt and perfume.
4. Always learn from the mistakes of those that took advice from you
5. On the flip side, avoid the ones who ask for your advice but do what they want to do, anyway.
6. In a crunch, you can grab a lunchable from the convenience store and replace the Capris Sun with ALB.
7. Inform eldest of local food/delivery apps until she can get her car into the shop to fix or replace the flat tire.
8. Crossing the causeway counts as going out…and earns double TA-DA points!
9. You notice there is a mobile sweets van next to Jeffecitas when ordering your tacos. When you go over to see what they have, the operator is still setting up shop. They offer for you to go in to check out the edibles in the clear labeled containers. You simply reply, “No way, no how…I have to see the candy before I get into the van… even If I am unsupervised… duh!!!
10. Stir coconut oil into your kale, as it is easier to scrape off the plate. This comes in handy when you vow to limit your meals to 3 a day (now that eldest has been left to her own devices) and eating healthier.
11. If your vehicle is on Empty, better to get gas instead of waiting until the morning…unless you enjoy the company of other procrastinators who decided to do the same thing. Besides, a lunchable with ALB would not be appropriate before work.
12. Be grateful that Athleisure has caught up with you and is now trending.
13. Stop fighting your inner demons and join sides.
14. Inform the next person who refers to their Significant Other as BAE, that BAE is a Danish word for poop.
15. Remember pride comes before a fall…when you think you are rocking the natural/no makeup look just to peer in the mirror and see that you actually look like a Victorian scrooge, sick with influenza and probably will not make it through Winter.
16. Another example of the above is when you brag about your Baywatch lifeguard boyfriend, the LSD wears off and you realize that you are carrying a mannequin through Murphy’s parking lot.
17. If your Meth Dealer has all of their teeth, they are probably an undercover cop.
18. Learn that Kelly, who frequents the same convenience store not only worked for Gail and her notorious family equestrian enterprise but also worked for Rodney (and brother, Dale) Jenkins.
19. As you near home, stop at nearest store to pick up some Pedigree beef dog food for the brooding canine that is winning the stare-down contest by a narrow margin, take your vitamin D3 as you struggle to get your daily dose of sunshine, clean out vehicle and dispose of any misleading conduct, put away all implements used to make creations during your time off from work, try out your highly anticipated Egyptian Cotton Sheets, as a testament to one of your “buy or regret” purchases while on sale.
20. You, now, truly believe in the science and power of the mind…as in you attract what you think/or feel. Just to be clear I did not ask for this burden of proof, however, when I was secretly wishing a naughty human would fall with their hands in their pockets. I went to retrieve something out of my vehicle after dark and took a tumble…more like a landslide. Dare I say I am not clumsy enough to trip over my own feet? I have had a wild fig vine growing in the tree over my driveway for a few years, now. After warning others that they will need to bring their talent for dodging figs with them if they wish to approach my door, it finally happens…only, not to the dreaded guest. The irony is that the incident happened so quickly, I may as well have had my hands in my pockets, as my nose broke the fall. They never said witches have to live in Salem… I know this now.
21. Finally…if all else fails, make out a list of things you can do to make the world a better place for Betty White when you are gone…5 seasons of life episodes must be your expiration date.

BONUS: There is something liberating about vulnerability…dare to embarrass yourself. In order to be in the sunshine, you must endure some blisters.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

DISCLAIMER: This blog may contain false narratives as it relates to extra curricular activities and author does not assume responsibility for any illegal activity 🙂

We have all had days when you may be feeling really tired and worn out; your house may be a disaster area, your checking account is looking like Swiss cheese, the members of your family are impersonating the Adams family coming off a sugar high, etc…you ask yourself where is this train heading?

There are other days when you feel like everyone is an extraterrestrial being that came to earth just to confuse you…the wind blows east and then it blows west. At the end of the day you feel like sticking a fork into an electrical outlet because you have spent the entire day hosting peace summits or giving state of the union addresses and you decide it may be time to perform a life audit.

I realize that as we continue moving further into the Holiday season, it is imperative I turn inward and redirect my thoughts and intentions so that I can be better balanced and productive, while maintaining a positive attitude and good cheer. Here I will address some items of concern so that I can focus on banishing any negative energy regarding these issues.

SOCIAL MEDIA– while I am signed up for all social media accounts, I only use Facebook on a semi-regular basis. I will look for Birthdays the first 10 minutes at my desk while sipping on my cup of coffee. If someone should ask me about a post during the morning, I may…MAY…look for it during lunch. More often than not, however, I do not plug into FB until the last few minutes before I go to bed. Please do not take it personally if I not see, select a feeling or comment on a post…I am not glued in to technology 24/7.

While we are on the subject of FB, if I already have you on my friend list, I will not accept another friend request. As most of you know, this is how accounts are hacked. If you are legitimately setting up another account, you need to let me in person that your request is indeed coming from you before I will accept.

I do not have time at work to keep my LinkedIn account updated and when I am away from the work element, the last thing I want to do is anything office related.

I do not use my Twitter or Snapchat Accounts, simply because I have never taken the time to orient myself with them…or…remember my passwords.

I only remembered my Instagram password a few months back and updated photos…but very rarely do I visit that account.

Last but not least…I do not…NOR… will I ever participate in FB stories. Now, allow me to elaborate here a moment. I have yet to understand the attractor factor? What is the purpose of this feature…other than disappearing after 24 hours? You can achieve the same thing by deleting a post after 24 hours. Secondly, I do not need any reason to be further distracted with a media outlet within a media outlet. Finally…and most importantly, I will not participate in any media activity that validates a view of a photo/video. I have so much more I could elaborate on regarding this last reason, but the purpose here is to help negate negative energy…not fan the flames. In all fairness, each to his own…but do not continuously ask me if I saw your FB story because the answer will always be “NO”! This not only infringes on the privacy of the viewer but unless it is business related, I simply have no use for it.

CAREER: Most of us working citizens have been in the same boat since the start of the Covid pandemic. We have felt the effects of furloughs, unemployment, employment shortages, overworked/underpaid employees as a result, isolation, working from home, school closures, virtual learning, working parents twisting and flexing to the contours of the school day, lack of socialization = depression, vaccine/mask controversies, losing multiple leading team members at work due to work overload, etc. In my particular career, not only have I faced all of these dilemmas but we have faced record sales amidst carrying out, not only our duties, but multiple other duties, as well.

RULES OF ENGAGEMENT: When there is a perpendicular residential intersection with stop signs, the same rules as a four-way stop signs apply. Don’t think for one minute that if I have been at at stop sign before opposite traffic approaches, that I will somehow, out if the goodness of my heart, allow a less than educated driver cross traffic before me if the situation allows for both traffic merges. If you think you are above the educated drivers, I will pull out with live video and risk you hitting me….or stall in your lane to promote further delays due to your uneducated and disrespectful behavior! I have memorized the respectful drivers / vehicles from the disrespectful ones approaching from the opposite side of the main artery… Forewarned is Forearmed!

WINTER SEASON: The days are short, the nights are cold, moods are somber, we become sluggish, we eat more, exercise lacks luster, we succumb to the new folds of the couch or mattress while watching Ponzi schemes, breathing organisms hatching from their eggs and springing forth, current divides, lost road maps, etc. Additionally, Winter Season combined with the Holiday season effects people differently. It can be melancholy for those that have lost loved ones or don’t have the means to give like they would like to due to streamlined budgets.

I decided early on that I was not going to fall into the Winter doldrums this year. I vowed that I would not mold new permanent folds in the mattress or sofa …but instead, I would take the gloves off, write blogs again, offer supporting roles in life, read more books, complete at least one painting, get more rest, go out to see a few “must see” theater movies, listen to some favorite melodies, watch NEW Holiday movies (eliminate the re-runs to make more room for self care), make sweet nothings into sweet somethings, squeeze in all the outdoor activities I can manage on the weekends to makeup for being “in the dark” all week, take some PTO off during the Holiday Season, cook seasonal dishes instead of grabbing pizza on the go from the convenience store, attend Holiday gatherings… and don’t cling to the shore but go with the flow. This should be a time of refurbishing…not self destruction. Now that my grievances are out of the way, here are some samples of I what I hope to achieve more over last Winter:

Trim the fat – purge the clothes and household items that you have not worn or used since the Mayflower sailed the seas. Call the youngest version of you over to take what she may be interested in, since she shares your taste in all things. With any luck, perhaps she can wear or use something (in the bonfire pile) in her new apartment.

Going to seasonal Flea Markets with the oldest version of you, as she shares the same enthusiasm you once did, as she prepares to bring a tiny human into the world.

On these dates with your tiny humans, take note of any revolving likes / dislikes to aide with that special Christmas gift.

Make dates to see upcoming movie attractions, since the best movies tend to come out at the end of the year.

Start reading some of the books purchased earlier that have been collecting dust. This endeavor is difficult for me to accomplish during the longer days, as I will typically be outside until dark. My favorite book, thus far, is “The Good Daughter”. Although it is a dark story, based on real life experience, it will hold you captive with hidden secrets that are revealed towards the end.

Make a charm bracelet for the youngest tiny human, similar to one you made for yourself earlier in the year that she has admired.

Those that follow my blogs, know that I endured significant back issues this time last year. As a result, I was out of commission for the physical tasks that needed tending to before the end of the year.. Since my OCD was severely bruised from being unable to body clip the wooly mammoths, I set out to accomplish this heinous chore before Christmas this year.

Fortunately, this year I have been able to keep the horses in work to some degree. To further assist this goal, I had a willing participant to step in and help keep one of the herd ridden for me during the winter season. Another herd member that suffers from sweet itch has resumed turnout with the cooler temps, which eliminates the daily obligation to make certain he gets a fair dose of exercise. Now I have a doable rotation , during the short days, with the inmates.

I vowed I would splurge on one item for myself this season for health and wellness purposes. Therefore, I chose to purchase an @InfinitiKloud backup. This decision is well suited for this purpose, since I am encroaching on the two year expiration of my cell phone. If one has ever been caught in a situation where their phone “bites the dust” out of nowhere, then you know how your health and wellness are affected when the customer service representative tells you that you need a new phone and there is no way to retrieve your data. Oh, hell, let’s not sugar coat it…it is a freakin’ nightmare! This may be a good time to point out that (if you do not already know), phones are purposely programmed to crash and burn in two years, as a way for companies/service providers to make more money. Yes…I did not know this until I received insider intel. Now, I am prepared for the day when all my data vanishes with the life of the phone and is good for nothing more than a paper weight. HINT: what they will NOT tell you is that they CAN actually retrieve your data…but only if they know you have been made privy to that info.

Speaking of two year expirations, I also learned the hard way that my riding boots historically last two years before it is time to replace them. I am also encroaching on that mark, so I set aside this emergency fund before the above splurge. Never mind that your vehicles are long past due for servicing and your repair list is growing by the day. With any luck, maybe I can breathe enough life into the dinosaurs to sputter into the auto shop…but without boots that are held together with duct tape.

Plan for the unplanned. When your Dad calls to inform you that he ran into a deer the evening before and asks if he can borrow the suburban until he gets the Griswold wagon out of the shop. “Certainly…no problem…just let me clean it up a bit”. What he does not know is that it takes an entire day of PTO to clean the “Burb” inside and out to his expectations (according to your life-long experience). This means inspecting every inch, as he will be using every inch to tote his work tools and supplies with him to the rental properties each day. Thus, the reason he asked for the “Burb” instead of your truck. When he picks it up and thanks you, be sure to let him know it is overdue for a quarterly service. Thinking his response may be “no worries, I will take care of it”, he immediately notices that the “Burb” is also overdue for two new front tires. Really? I had not noticed since I was too busy getting the land cruiser ready for you to drive for an unspecified period of time…ugh!

For those that have children, I am a firm believer in the 8 rule gifts (see chart below). Now that the tiny humans are older, they still ask for stockings. To this day, they both tell me that they miss the stockings more than anything. Granted, I had more fun assembling the stockings than any other tradition for Christmas. For me, the stockings were always the most exciting thing about Christmas morning.

If the unexpected guest shows up at your door during the Holidays…joyfully greet them with open arms, invite them in and welcome them to The Ritz Carlton. You can do this…it is only for a transitional season…you can become a figment of one’s imagination the remainder of the year. Simply pray that the zoo is on their best behavior. If critters start chasing dust balls across the floor or chickens start falling from the sky, excuse them so that you make a forgotten but important meeting at work. You cannot afford to report whiplash or bodily harm to the insurance company at this juncture.

The one thing I have yet to accomplish is working in the yard and gardens. Due to my back injury last year, I was unable to tend to the annual tasks involving both agendas. As a result, it is now requiring a professional to get things back to “catch up” mode. Due to their popular demand, they are only able to work a few hours a week and are just now reaching 50% completion. I am trying not to consider this a setback…as long as there is no structural damage, the beast will still be there come Spring.

Speaking of structural damage, have the forethought to know that this professional may get the urge to turn the hose on (with the faulty spigot) to play with Bennie. Show them how you tweak it, in advance, so that further damage is not created. Otherwise, you will be paying an unexpected bill for repairs. More importantly, learn how to translate where the main shut-off valve is located (from your office) until the repairman can get there. “You know…over the deer traps and through the thickets you go.”

A day later, you discover the carpet in the Master “Cell” is wet. You call the same repairman back out to discover that the same outside spigot is now broken at the bottom of the stem inside the wall. When he asks you how badly you need that spigot, you calculate how long you can go with your riding boots held together with duct tape. Finally, you figure you still have 1 of 3 outside spigots that work, so you give him the “cut it” signal… until a later date.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!

Until we meet again…”it is better to have a heart without words than words without a heart” -MAHATMA GANDHI

As I awaken one morning this past weekend and realized that I still had my house slippers on (ok…well flip flops if you really must know), I stare in amazement and utter to myself…”Wow, I must have been really tired last evening!” This realization did not come as any surprise, as we have been extremely busy at work and most of us have worn several different hats the last few months due to labor shortages. Additionally, my routine at the barn had taken a drastic turn recently due to unforeseen challenges and/or revisions to schedule.

I sigh as I throw the covers to the side and make a mental note to oil tin man’s armor so that I can make my way to see the Wizard…OR…wait, is it Sesame Street? I manage to stay on my own two feet as I walk past the obstacle course of prisoners waiting on the early morning gravy train. After the assembly required for making a pot of coffee, I precede to the laundry hall to retrieve some grunge wear that actually made it to the dryer before mildewing in the washer. I grab the yoga pants that have never been to a yoga class but have seen the likes of the barn and the grocery store. By the time the canines have been walked, there is enough fresh brewed coffee in the pot to grab a “to go” cup. I considered that exhaustion from living in survival mode would take me back to bed as soon as all of the AM chores were taken care of.

Driving home, I felt like a child going to Walt Disney without the waiting lines, thinking about the comforts of my bed. I could not recount the last time I succumbed to sleeping after the sun rose. Feeling the aches of my dents and cracks, I fumble to close the blinds to shut out the waking world and glide into my bed that called my name louder than a Broadway musical.

Once in the divine comforts of my bed, I slipped into the 3/4 stage of sleep before I was awakened by my phone. In that one moment of time, I marveled at how I could be dreaming about something so realistic. Then I became fully awake in a panic…wondering who would be calling me in the middle of the night…or so I thought it was the middle of the night. The reality that it was early morning became even more frightening.

I scrambled for my phone until my blurry vision cleared enough to see that my mother was calling. I chose to ignore the call and regained my fetal position. Then, the sudden thought of my mother sending over task forces to see why I did not answer the phone, disrupted my overwhelming desire for sleep.

I immediately returned her phone call…only for her to ask for a recipe of mine…ugh!

Deciding that I will never have any luck going back to sleep, I make my way to the kitchen for another cup of coffee. Elated that I had a clear path to the kitchen this time around, I return to my room to contemplate my “to do” list for the day:

1. Take inventory and re-stock on my banishing herbs

2. Don’t play cat & mouse with the general public while you are out…or you will surely get caught

3. Decide before going out that you are not going to play the game…you are going to change the game

4. Since Mercury is currently retro, try not to lower expectations of others…elevate forgiveness if they strike a chord.

5. Although you are a fully evolved adult, admit to yourself that you may require support systems in areas of adulting

6. Do not compete with the other hide and seekers, collaborate with them and call it a character building day

7. When you entertain playing Blues Clues with another customer who appears to be staring at the various herbs…do not ask them “what”?… ask them “why”? Tread lightly if you should decide to conclude with “a watching pot never boils”…they may not find the same humor in this remark as you do. After all, you are notorious for making your own problems worse.

8. When the attendant approaches to see if you need assistance, inquire if they sell weapons and arsenal.

9. When you receive a look of horror from the attendant, simply reply…”don’t worry, it only becomes murder if they find the missing bodies”.

10. When the attendant responds…”we only invest in people, not tools”…LISTEN to them! You cannot truly listen and organize your hit list at the same time.

11. When the attendant’s counterpart enters from the stock room to ask if there is a problem, remove your desire to make any impression on them so that you can express yourself authentically. “Yes…I was wondering if you have this list of herbs in stock”?

12. Upon your departure from the store, you realize your vehicle was towed away when you parked in the handicap spot. Oil for tin man was on your shopping list and you could not walk the greater distance, until you were a well oiled machine again.

13. Call for a Taxi…you can unload all of your woes on them.

14. If the route home does not fulfill the time needed to cash out your emotions, have the driver drop you off at the local bar. Just remember the bartender is your spirit guide…so tip them well!

15. Finally, when you decide it may be best NOT to embark on this outlined journey, the phone rings again. This time, it is one of your tiny humans. Vow not to fill their head with your most recent daydream…instead, fill their heart. You answer the phone…”hello, my beautiful angel”!

16. Your suspicious caller precedes to ask what you are doing. You simply reply with “oh, nothing…just organizing my day”. Still suspicious, your caller says, “but mom, you always said that organization is only for people who are too lazy to look for or recount things”?

17. Response to this insightful tiny human: “plentitude is the positive energy we choose to take in, as it can be infinite. Amplitude can be compared to the output of negative energy, since it can be measured.”

18. Tiny human: “Ok, mom…whatever…gotta go…I will call you later!”

WELLNESS CHECK: Lol…I did eventually get some much needed rest…and I even had a lovely visit with the seven dwarfs!

This is an account of the last two weeks of working from home. Before I begin, let me first state that when a representative from home office flew in with suspicious symptoms and was ultimately diagnosed with covid, our office was immediately sent home. You would have thought terrorists had the property under siege and we were being rushed out before they started taking hostages. This is only the beginning of comical errors. As we are hurried to vacate the office, I begin to anticipate the freshness and freedom of time off!

However, the reality hit me while I was driving home. Wait…was our team just furloughed again? You make some phone calls and learn that you are working remotely for the next two weeks and will be receiving normal pay…whew!

Oh, the possibilities of what I can accomplish while working remotely…WRONG! I had no idea what the next two weeks would entail. The following is a list of what I learned, followed by an account of what improvements could be made if there should be a next time.

Starting up remotely:

• We had recently switched over to a new email system. No problem except that I failed to follow thru with IT to get emails on my phone. Who wants to read emails after work hours, anyway? After all, our business travels have been suspended until the environmental challenges have improved…so there is no need to read emails after work hours. I am a firm believer in leaving work at the office when you leave for the day.

• I canceled all internet service when the tiny humans had flown from the nest. Who wants to sit in front of a computer after work? After all, I can accomplish any desired tasks in the cyber world on my mobile phone. It also should go without saying, that I canceled the land line (home phone) back when pay phones became obsolete.

• The desk computer went out some time before deciding to disconnect internet with the message “reboot with hardware disk”. What disk? Oh, you mean the one that disappeared with the tiny humans’ matching sock mates?

• Your files, rate schedules, hoarded records, saved computer files, etc are left behind when you are rushed out of the office.
• When your neighbors grow concerned that your fleet of prehistoric dinosaurs remain parked in the driveway for several consecutive work days, assure them that you will not be lining your driveway with horse blankets and sheets or shrouding every exterior fixture with laundry to air dry, as during last year’s furlough.

Set up methods for getting started to work remotely:

• Start by finding a remote co-worker who can help you install office emails on your phone. Precede with suggestion from your assistant to call corporate technical support. Follow instructions to the best of your ability. Never mind that the agent thinks you are the most incompetent person she has ever dealt with regarding electronic skills. After some time has passed – and with gradual success – you start to see the Atlantic Ocean of unread emails flooding onto your screen.
• This might be a good time to mention that if assembly is required, my reputation for impatiently driving a nail in, when a screw is required, greatly precedes me. Who has time to install a screw when you can hammer a nail in?
• Your assistant sends you a reminder text that the property management system cannot be installed on your phone and will have to be installed on a computer. GREAT…
• This brings you to the next item on your to do list: try and find someone you can borrow a laptop computer from. Start with your brother…just to be told that the kids were quarantined from school again due to another Covid outbreak and they will be doing schoolwork on their laptops, remotely. Then you remember that your tiny humans’ father collected up all of the miscellaneous electronics laying around to send off for refurbishing, when the tiny humans left the nest. When you call his office, you are told that everything is still with IT being worked on. However, he says that you can borrow one of his office laptops…yay!
• Now that you have a laptop in your possession, you need to install your property management program. Expecting the process to be worse than having your organs extracted thru your nose, the process is rather easy and does not require technical support. Thank goodness you can retain some dignity rather than be made to feel like you just landed on Mars again!

Ready, set, go!

• Easier said than done! The next morning, you follow thru with your morning routine just like you were going to the office, minus the agony of backstage efforts before stepping out into public. You sit down with your cup of coffee, turn on the computer, review your emails on your phone and prepare for the work day. Your ambition is suddenly thwarted when you remember how slow the Wifi is in your corner of the world. As you recall, you had a technician out to your house on several occasions during the years when your tiny humans would threaten you with self mutilation, otherwise. HINT: When reception never improves, your craving for peace and quiet enhances significantly when the tiny humans become a permanent fixture on the neighboring golf course, where the Wifi reception greatly improves. God forbid should circuit boards prevent or disrupt their ability to access social media by default of their birth rights!
• You decide to answer what emails you can while you wait for your reservation system to wake up…hopefully before your spring gardens start blooming.
• Grab another cup of coffee
• Growing impatient with the Wifi reception deficit, you take the computer and start moving around, attempting to find a hot spot…nothing…until you relentlessly settle back to where you started. OMG…wait…is there a sign of life…could it be? Sales Force has made it’s debut appearance! You quickly begin tasks before the beetle juice evaporates as quickly as it arrived. You manage to complete 1 1/2 tasks before the circle of death reappears before your eyes.
• Grab a third cup of coffee and some grazing food. Return to your chair, lean back, snap a photo of you lounging in your slippers. Send it to your closest colleagues with the following statement: “Is this what our third parties do all week before the rush hour of emails at 4:00 PM on Friday…lol? This has been an inside joke…since forever! You will not hear from any third party until the closing hour on Friday…and to boot…they expect a reply by 5PM!
• If Wifi still has not returned, close each eye and watch objects move places. Repeat as often as necessary to humor yourself. Finally, just simply drink the remaining coffee straight from the coffee pot to save yourself from having to get up from the comfort of your chaise.
• Finally, you see a familiar work screen on your laptop…you begin to enter data in what has now become a cyber marathon. With some luck you get a good hour and 45 mins of power before fading out again. By this time, you decide to take time out for lunch. As you go for the first spoonful of cannellini bean and chorizo soup, you notice that Wifi suddenly returns. You set your soup aside, only to have to reheat it again 30 mins later when all systems go down again. As one would imagine, I am beginning to feel the tiny humans’ historical pain with Wifi isolation thru the years. I finally, call it a day at 5:00
• You start over again in the morning…and each morning for the next two work weeks. The routine follows the same pattern, to varying degrees, between mild temper tantrums to planning a search and destroy party for all proof of life in the nearby vicinity. By the time you work off your frustrations, Hunger Games will seem like a romance novel. After all, don’t people have a life outside of using up the rare, OOAK Wifi supply around here? I mean this is my livelihood we are talking about! Disregard, the “Wanted” posters going up in the neighborhood and your mug shot appearing in the headline news…at least you will not have to contend with Wifi, while in jail.
• By the third day, you are beginning to notice a pattern in the Wifi traffic. Therefore, you begin to work with the current instead of against it. Set your alarm for 2AM; do barn chores B/w 5-6AM; work again until 8AM; eat breakfast; Wifi should return at 9AM; Lunch at 11AM; Wifi returns at 12PM and fades out for the remainder of the day about 4PM, when kids are released from school (thus heavier wifi traffic). Thereafter, the work force is off from work and using up all of the beetle juice.
• When you send a text to your assistant that you cannot see the emails you sent out…only to have her return a text with the link to install outlook (office 365) on the laptop for emails. Apparently, this same installment on your phone only provides the inbox…who knew? Certainly, not I. The only concern here is that I do not learn about this HOLY GRAIL until my last day of working from home. Why did I NOT inquire about this issue before?
• When you have at least 5 pairs of reading glasses but cannot locate one pair, retrace your steps when you were playing “hot seat” trying to find a Wifi connection in your house. You are bound to find a pair along the way 🙂 You later learn that your colleague has been playing “hide and go seek” with her glasses, as well. At least you may not be alone when they ship you off for a mental evaluation. This is your opportunity to gain access to a “get out of jail free” card…simply plea not guilty to mass murder by reason of insanity!
• When you receive an email message from your Director that there is a new spread sheet, attached, to use in your month end report…Really??? This is not the time to start throwing new variables into the equation! You can skirt around the challenge by using the same layout but in email format.
• The same goes for your weekly verbatim…since Wifi is sketchy at best, simply send in your accomplished tasks, via email, at the end of the week.
• The longer you work from home, the more homeless you look. You have only worn two grunge outfits for the last two weeks and look like an extra in a horror movie. Simply pray that your presence is not suddenly requested for a Zoom call! You can always respond by saying that you do not have the capability to partake in a zoom call remotely…which, more than likely, would not be far from the truth.
• You may not get around to brushing your teeth until after lunch, depending on Wifi availability. You skip your skincare routine each night since you have not been wearing makeup during the day. The dishes in the double sink continue to stack up until they spill over into the other side. Your gut flora is off kilter due to revised eating times and eating habits, based on your stress and anxiety levels. You overextend yourself one day/evening and doze off at the computer only to awaken at 2AM and realize you missed the gravy train the evening prior. You do manage to get a shower one day and wash your hair, however, when your dog begins stalking you like you are a prowler.
• You have not been this busy since you returned to work after furlough last year and declare a dying will.
• Before the end of the first week, your assistant screams into the phone (when you call her for the eighth time that day), “Good God…who thought it would be a good idea to send you and Julie home to work remotely ? That is like begging for a slow death sentence”! Once you round the bend of speechlessness, calmly remind her that you are a Sales Manager and that you do not have a doctorate degree in technology.
• Vow to close shop at 5PM on last day of working remotely…even if you still have to complete your weekly verbatim. Just be sure to complete and send this task in early Sunday AM so that it will be sitting on corporate’s desk first thing Monday AM.
• Delete all business phone #’s from your mobile phone upon return to the office. It is once again time to leave business at the office when you leave for the day and start ignoring all of the unknown phone numbers, until your next remote assignment.
• You recall that that the donor of the laptop computer requested that you uninstall work programs befor returning because he does not want to assume the responsibility of his office employees gaining access to secure records and files. It was one thing to have personal assistance when installing programs…BUT…to uninstall programs is way above my pay grade! You watch a few YouTube videos in an attempt to gain the “know how” of deleting programs before you decide it may be best to have IT take care of this task upon your return to “campus”. At least you will have a slight chance of salvaging what computer integrity is left after being in your possession for two weeks. IT returns the laptop to you after a mere few seconds and says you are free to return to the rightful owner. You exclaim, “that is impossible…it took me longer to watch the video!!!”

Remind your colleague to remain sober long enough to answer emails (seen here in her bunny slippers during photo exchange of foot attire)

If there should be a next time:

• With advance notice, gather files for next 3 months (minimum) and rate schedules to take with you.
• No worries about files saved on the Sales drive. Assistant is equipped with access to these from her remote location. Furthermore, why give her reason to forget how incompetent you are with technology while working remotely?
• If remote work will be involved more than a few weeks, go ahead and invest in another desktop computer.
• Install emails on the computer from the start so that you have access to “sent” and “old” emails, as reference.
• Invest in a Hewlett Packard package for fax, scan and printer, currently priced @$89. You may just salvage what little tolerance your assistant may have left for your sorry ass 🙂
• Dedicate a phone line to your work space, instead of providing your personal mobile # to clients. Once again, this enables you to keep business separate from what little personal time you have.
• Keep your routine and schedule in place for health reasons. Have healthier snacks on hand since you tend to graze more, as stress levels elevate.
• Since you are unable to use Morse Code, Sign Language or translate colleagues customary facial expressions in a remote setting, develop texting codes with colleagues or check in with them, via phone, once in a while. After all, you have been there for one another, as a life line of support, thru the years.
• Pay homage to your wise, successful elders who have advised you thru the years to know when to disconnect from work. If crucial tasks have been accomplished in a day’s work, shut down and do not reboot until the next business day. Otherwise, burning the midnight oil is not going to win any favors with your clients or guests in the following days when you are busy rehearsing for a segment in The Walking Dead.
• Finally…and most importantly…always, always keep some cannellini bean and chorizo soup on hand to keep the gut flora healthy!